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Monthly Archives: January 2009

A dictionary of failure.

When I’m not off fighting crime or fucking your girlfriend, I work as an Editor for a company that writes business documents for business owners that are too illiterate to write them themselves.  Through the course of this employment I’ve seen many affronts to the English language.  Wanton and reckless apostrophes, the capitalization of EVERY FREAKING NOUN (because that makes your product seem more important), and, of course, spelling so bad I have to assume the word is in another language or the writer has had a stroke or some other cerebral incident.  The most irksome thing I encounter, and encounter on the veritable daily, is complete and abject condescension when the writer clearly has no idea what they are talking about, or isn’t talking about anything at all.  Which brings me to the subject of today’s post:  Business Buzz Words (see, doesn’t it seem more important in caps?). 

 

Business Buzz Words are those words used in the course of business that don’t really mean anything.  Sort of like “extreme.”  That’s a marketing buzz word.  It’s just filler.  Extreme soda/tobacco/Bible (these actually exist)/vacation/mattress is just a normal soda/tobacco/Bible/vacation/mattress painted neon green. 

 

Business Buzz Words are the same thing only in a more businessey, money-grubbing context.  They are the words you see in ads starring Sam Waterston or spewing out of the mouth of some ivy-league douchebag on an economic themed news show who offers nothing more to the world than hepatitis and a remarkable capacity for snorting blow.  So today I’m going to demystify any mystification that may remain on these common and thoroughly odious words.

 

Let the buzz begin:

 

Synergy

 

What it’s supposed to mean:  Works together; forms a perfect union; magic.

 

What it really means:  Magic;  works well with others.  “The baking soda, q-tips, and saltines create a synergy that make the unicorn possible.”  Yup.  When it means anything at all, it usually means magic, i.e. “we have no idea how these things work together or what they’ll do, but we hope you believe whatever it is it’s super cool.”  When used in the context of different companies or divisions, it just means can work in a group…sort of.  For example:  “Our various divisions create a synergy that gets you the best project on time; every time”  means  “We generally get through the day with a minimum amount of passive aggressive inter-office memos and juvenile grudge holding, which enables us to bring you the same product you can get any where else but in 6 weeks* as opposed to the 2 weeks we’ll quote you, which is better than the 8 weeks our competitors will take.”  The adverb of “synergy” is “synergistically.”  Every time I read “synergistically” my brain clenches and a piece of my soul dies, so I’d rather not discuss it at length.  Suffice it to say, “synergy” means nothing more than, “I’m an idiot, don’t ask me how my product works or how my business functions,” and has nothing to do with Jem’s computerized master.  These people are trying to ruin Jem, and so I must ruin them.

 

*Results not typical, average time frame not less than 12 weeks.

Verbiage

 

What it’s supposed to mean:  An informed treatise.  Poignant words that capture precisely how hip, fresh, altruistic, etc. this company or product is.

 

What it really means:  Page filler; some bullshit to bog investors down in so they don’t actually read the whole document or get so bored and distracted they don’t realize we either have nothing, what we do have has been done better, or we don’t actually know what we have or what we’re doing.  This is a word for words that say nothing.  How existential.

 

Proprietary

 

What it’s supposed to mean:  New; unique; never been done before.

 

What it really means:  Don’t look too thoroughly into our patent.

 

Innovative

 

What it’s supposed to mean:  Taken the old paradigm and improved upon it to the point were no one can compete.

 

What it really means:  Took the old product/service/technology and stuck our label on it.

 

Classy/VIP

 

What it’s supposed to mean:  Products, services, or atmosphere for the most refined tastes and discriminating palate.

 

What it really means:  Strip club. 

 

Superior

 

What it’s supposed to mean:  Better than all others.

 

What it really means:  Nothing.  No really, this is just an adjective writers and editors in the business world throw in when the sentence needs another beat.  Which isn’t so bad considering most of the words in business writing mean nothing, but this one irks my terkler in particular because usage has made it meaningless.  Traditionally, “superior” meant that –noun- was better than –other nouns-.  Now it just means “good.”  When some one says “we have a superior atmosphere.”  Superior to what?  Most examples the “to our competitors” is implied, but sometimes it’s literally just “We are superior.”  To what?  Competitors?  Other people?  God?  It’s a superfluous and unnecessary bastardization of a word that is still very necessary and useful.  You don’t eat a sammich and say “This sammich is superior.”  You DO say “This sammich is superior to anything found on the west coast.”  GAH!  Ok, I need to stop talking about this.

 

And there you have it.  Toastygod’s proprietary verbiage on the synergies of the modern business lexicon in a classy and superior format for VIPs.

 

Suck it bitches. 

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Posted by on January 31, 2009 in Uncategorized

 

I am the Toastygod!

And someone was stupid enough to give me a zlog.

 
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Posted by on January 28, 2009 in Uncategorized

 

Toasty FAQ.

Since I’m new around here, I thought I would start things out with a little FAQ of toastiness.  So let’s get going with the frequently, never-once-asked questions:

Q:  What is a toastygod?  Should I be offended?  Is reading this zlog some kind of blasphemy?

A:  Heresy at best I swear.  No no, I kid.  I am the Toastygod because I am dedicated to vanquishing all things cold and frigid, wherever they may exist.  I enjoy worship as much as the next anonymous compilation of pixelated text, but my calves are not golden.  For the  monotheists out there, the “g” is lower case, so it’s all good.  For the polytheists in the crowd, if there are so many deities anyway, why couldn’t one be in charge of warmth and why do you assume only mortals have a need to rant on the internet? (Wait, who’s asking the questions here?)  Also, it’s all one word, which denotes a proper noun as opposed to a description.  It’s a name, not a job title.  If you still have some sort of issue:  get over yourself.

Q:  What is all this ruination I’ve been hearing about?

A:  Ruination will come about in many forms over the course of this zlog.  I will either ruin your shit with how right I am or how wrong you are;  with the unveiling of great majesties of the awesome or the exposing of the cruel truths of the lame.  All-in-all I will break you down and make you better for it.  You’re welcome.

Q:  Do you have a theme; a gimmick; a niche; a raison d’etre; a core from which all else is built?

A:  I don’t do gimmicks.  Impressive list of synonyms though.  There will be a loose and completely irrelevant scale of awesome to lame that pops up with no recognizable consistency, but that’s about it.

Q:  Is this scale empirically verifiable?

A:  No.  It is based solely on my unfettered whims.  My judgment is harsh and final.

Q:  Do my comments matter?

A:  You don’t matter.

Q:  Is this zlog appropriate for children?

A:  Not in the slightest.  Mentally stunted adults who want someone to “Please think of the children” shouldn’t read this either.  You are not welcome here.  Prepare to be ruined.

Q:  What the hell is a zlog?

A:  Don’t ask.

Q:  Do you think you’re better than me?

A:  Yes and so do you.

Q:  How often will you post?

A:  I will not insult us both with forced posts, however I will post whenever I come across something ironic or funny or I must type to keep the rage stroke at bay.  My doctor says the daily rage strokes are really having a negative impact on my health.  So potentially daily, though I seriously doubt it.  I’m thinking weekly.  Unless I have shit going on.  Or I have the opportunity to nap.  I <3 naps.

Q:  What do you have to offer?

A:  General badassery and a total lack of lame.

Q:  What is the nature of our relationship?

A:  I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. 

Q:  In the event of zombie apocalypse, are you prepared?

A:  The end is nigh and I’ve got an itchy boom stick.

Q:  Was that some sort of pop culture reference I don’t get?

A:  If you have to ask then yes…and it was more than one.  Most of the words on this zlog will be stolen directly from television, horror movies, and animations most people haven’t seen.  It’s not plagiarism, it’s an honor.  I honor you with my blatant thieving.

Q:  What kind of fool do you take me for?

A:  A pretty one.  No one is as smart and good looking and sexually virulent as my readers.  *pet*

Q:  Finally, why a zlog, and why now?

A:  I was always a zlogger, I just never had a zlog.

Welcome to the kingdom of Toasty!  You have entered the zlog, are you brave enough to stay?  We’d love to have you over anytime.  Come back real soon, ya hear!

…did I mention how pretty you are?  Yes?  Good.  Because you are.  And funny.  And interesting.  And smart.  It’s no wonder you are completely irresistible to the gender or genders you prefer.  Wanna be my new bff?  No pressure.

 
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Posted by on January 27, 2009 in Uncategorized