I have recently discovered Hulu. Be glad I post at all. Now that I have almost every TV show imaginable (no Mr. Belvedere WTF?) I have no need for anything else, like food or sunlight or gainful employment. I can watch any Survivorman, in any order, without commercials whenever I want. THAT IS THE TRUE MEANING OF POWER. Survivorman is the cute little Canadian guy that goes out and is all badass on nature. He makes outside his bitch. He’s like Mcgyver, but without technology and with something to lose.
Survivorman (aka The Rugged) is not to be mistaken for not-survivorman, Bear Grylls (The Pussy). Just because you name yourself “bear”, doesn’t mean you’re a “top.” Notsurvivorman hosts the show “Man vs. Wild” which should be renamed “strolling with a faggot.” Where Survivorman survives 7 days in the harshest environments on the planet, notsurvivorman (no we don’t capitalize his name, he hasn’t earned capitalization) just kind of strolls around and after about 10 feet he has his crew take him home. Granted, that 10 feet is always straight up. Because apparently if he gets stranded in a survival situation, he wants to die in any manner of the lamest ways possible. Get caught on a mountain or other high elevation? Clearly, you should start climbing. Because all societies build their villages at the tip top of a mountain, where there is no air or resources. Also, climbing is a great use of your energy, as opposed to the much more strenuous controlled falling. Got it. Dick. I picture that he gets his skinny, pale (probably nude) ass to the top of the mountain and looks around at the desolation (panting as the air is incredibly thin). He then turns to a mountain goat (the ONLY other living thing up there) and says, “Excuse me, do you have any sailor semen, as that is clearly the only thing I eat? No? Then could you point me to the local Man Holes establishment? It’s been hours since I had a Seabreeze!” (though only minutes since he’s had dick, he carries it with him wherever he goes, I won’t tell you where).
Survivorman has an impressive resume of being a badass. His resume literally says, in big letters, BADASS. Not many people have earned that title. Notsuvivorman was a french girl scout, as far as my research can find. He also failed out for pouting and taking his clothes off at completely unnecessary times.
Notsurvivorman show formula:
Talk about how though it may LOOK like he’s at a Wolfgang Puck’s, the conditions (he assures us) are brutal.
Start climbing a mountain for no discernible reason with nothing more than a columbia jacket and a pair of sketchers.
Make some big deal about eating something that’s only mildly gross. “Oh no, i must eat this earth worm” *face that mimics what one would look like if one had to eat one’s own mother’s liver that had just been ripped violently from her as one looked on in horror and is 8 years old, cuz seriously, that guy crys like a little bitch* Btw, any kid that went to grade school ate a damn earth worm (willingly or no). YOU’RE NOT COOL!
Crew brings sammich from Kraft services.
Nakey (swimming in leach invested water, wander around snow covered moor, fish for sharks with his tiny worm penis).
Also, he gives TERRIBLE survival advice.
Notsurvivorman: Sometimes you have to drink your own pee. Mmmmmm man pee.
Survivorman (in perfect baritone with burly chest heaving): NEVER DRINK YOUR PEE!!!!!!!
Then Survivorman would show you a way to get the water from your pee using nothing but saran wrap and pure manliness.
Hulu has all of this to offer and more. Including all seven seasons of Star Trek: TNG. If you don’t know what this is, or if you haven’t seen every episode, then you have not truly lived and society should shun you until you are a real person. I firmly believe that if I ever get roped into marriage, I don’t want a wedding ring, I want all 7 seasons (plus extra scenes and commentary) on DVD. A ring is like, “Oh look, there’s that ring again, it’s kind of shiny.” Whereas Star Trek TNG is like, “OMFG! I forgot about the one where Riker bones Troi AND Roe. Mad props to your skills, player.” The ring gives like a few random seconds of nostalgic stirrings for what adds up to several minutes of something that approximates joy during your whole life. TNG gives you HOURS AND HOURS OF AWESOME. Personally, I’d want my spouse to associate me with the orgasmic joy and pure awesome TNG offers over the appreciation of slight aesthetic sparkly that a ring has to offer. But maybe that’s just me.
Ok, I’ve been away from Hulu for like an hour now. I’m starting to shake and sweat and the Silver Spoons theme song is softening in my head. SILVER SPOONS WHAT A GREAT IDEA! I’m full of those.