The long awaited haiku results are finally in and the winner is…POONTANG83. Like it was even a competition, he’s named after my favorite food. Princess blah blah blah wasn’t even in the running because she’s a vegan and vegan’s fail at life. Even vegans hate vegans. That’s why they deny themselves meat and dairy. That’s a level of self-loathing I can’t even begin to comprehend. Ok ok, I know what she’s going to say, “But I’m a VEGETARIAN now.” Just because you fail and failure doesn’t make you a success.
Moving on. The economy, am I right? Eh? Eh? Ok, the economy blows, but you know what blows just as much? Everyone writing about the economy. I swear if I read the term “cautiously optimistic” one more time, I’m going to punch a baby in its spine. Every fucking market “expert” is “cautiously optimistic” about their respective industry. “No one can buy houses, but I’m cautiously optimistic 2010 will see gains.” “Lending is frozen, but we’re cautiously optimistic the banks will rebound in the coming months.” “The top car industry executives are cashing in cans and sexual favors to buy food, but I’m cautiously optimistic the new era of the American auto industry is upon us.” “Cautiously optimistic” apparently means “SHIT FUCK BALLS we’re screwed.”
No. The Toastygod is here to translate, YET AGAIN. “Cautiously optimistic” means “it can’t get any worse.” Seriously guys. We don’t need a bunch of fucking MBA douchebags to tell any of us that either the economy is going to get better, or we all better start training for Thunder Dome. It’s either be “cautiously optimistic” that civilization will continue, or start hording water in your underground bunker. And we all know that most business executives are worth less than ball sweat on both the slave labor and sex markets.
And that’s advice you can take to the bank.
Actually, don’t go to the bank. Those places are money death. Money under the mattress FTW!