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Monthly Archives: May 2010

Toasty’s School of Life.

“I feel like crap on toast.”

That is my favorite quote to describe a really bad hangover.  It was originally said by Michelle from the Gilmore Girls (a male character, but he’s French so it doesn’t count).

Dear readers, I have some vital advice for you today.  If you have people over, and your roommate brings home a half gallon of Jack Daniels (the greatest of all beverages ever), and someone sets up a bitchin’ game of Guitar Hero, do NOT think, “I will drink this tasty whiskey and be a total bad ass on Guitar Hero, but I will not eat any dinner.  WILD STALLIONS!”  Especially don’t do this if you have to be awake for your terrible job that literally (and I say this with no hyperbole, a first for this zlog) makes you think about killing yourself every.single.motherfucking.day.

Yeah…I did.  I woke up at about 4:30 in the morning (two and a half hours before I had to get up for my stupid shit, soul crushing job) and thought I had died.  Not that I was dying, that I had literally died and that being dead hurt a WHOLE FUCKING LOT.

Fortunately, one of my roommates had made noodley stuffs for him and the two other people that were still up.  Unfortunately for one of those people, I stole most of their food.  Well, stole with consent.  They looked at me and said, “Ohhhh, you look sick.”  “Uhhh.”  I then grabbed the bowl out  of his hand and ate it while apologizing.  To which he replied, “No problem, you obviously need it more.”  I ate about three quarters of it (I am SO FUCKING GENEROUS) and went right back to bed.  Those noodles saved my fucking life (something that has happened more than once to me in my time).

So yeah, I spent my day at working wanting to die, for physical on top of just the normal, cubicle related reasons.  I would have fucking killed for an opiate.  Killed anything, not just a human.  If some guy was like, “Kill that elk over there and you can have this handful of oxycontin.”  That elk would be going the fuck down.  With my hands, because fashioning a weapon would take away oxy time.

So yeah, my message today is:  eat.  Eat often and well.  Don’t eat stupid flavorless shit just because it’s supposedly “good” for you, don’t eat only crap because you think it makes you cool, don’t not eat because you think people actually care what you look like, and definitely don’t refrain from eating because Mr. Jack Daniels (or any other commercial brand) tells you it’ll be totally cool if you don’t.  It will not be cool.  In fact, you will feel the opposite of “cool.”  What’s the opposite of cool?  Oh yeah, whatever is happening in my stomach right now.

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Posted by on May 7, 2010 in Uncategorized